"They've got a brand new facility down at Guantanamo. We spent a lot of money to build it. They're very well treated down there.
They're living in the tropics. They're well fed. They've got
everything they could possible want." -- Vice President (and National Travel Agent) Dick Cheney, in a June 23 CNN interview

The United States is proud to announce our newest lifestyle community, The Villas at Guantanamo Bay. Situated along the turquoise coastline of southern Cuba, this tropical paradise offers an exhilarating escape from the terrors of everyday life. Here, you'll enjoy glorious privacy, far from family, friends, human rights organizations or legal counsel.

The Villas at Guantanamo Bay experience begins with lodging in our spanking new condominiums. Every detail of your sleek concrete and steel mesh habitat is designed to help us pay close attention to your every need. You'll love the little touches that make your home unique, from the brightly colored complimentary jumpsuits to the Koran placed in every bathroom.

Our spa has received global recognition for the services it offers. Our experienced masseurs will give your body a working over that will have your senses singing. You might also want to try our unique commode hydro-therapy facials, after which you can have your body slathered with the finest cleaning products and our special blend of all-natural body fluids. Later, sit back and relax as one of our hospitality specialists offers you the lit end of one of those famous Cuban cigars.

Our fitness center is outfitted with the finest equipment, and your personal trainer can run you through a sequence of exercises your body won't be able to resist. For a change of pace, you might choose to take part in the soccer matches we arrange during visits by Congressional delegations.

If it's entertainment you’re after, we offer endless possibilities. Some might choose to have their minds pushed to new limits in one of the daily discussion groups led by our trained facilitators, while others simply might prefer to squeal to the antics of our trained dogs. For those with more sophisticated tastes, our specialty hostesses offer exotic dances certain to provoke that special response.

Nighttime offers a whole new range of delights. Our Padded Cell Disco has a state of the art light show that will dazzle your senses as your body throbs to the beat of our powerful sound system. There’s so much fun to be had that you won't want to sleep…we'll make sure of that!

And yes, you heard right! All meals and beverages are are part of the deal, including our incredible all-you-can-eat pork barbeque blowout!

Please note that at this time the Villas at Guantanamo Bay does not accept pets, children or wives. We also regret that, due to circumstances we are trying to control, we no longer offer photographic keepsakes of your visit.

Perhaps you've heard that this fabulous opportunity is only available to terrorists, but we have great news! You don't need any connection to terrorism at all! Simply be in the wrong place at the wrong time, and you too can be swept into this tropical adventure of a lifetime.

Once you've experienced the Villas at Guantanamo, you'll never leave. That's our guarantee!