Put Away Those Almanacs!

Happy New Year to all from DebtorsPrison. One of America’s most beloved annual publications has been in the news at this start of 2004: The World Almanac and Book of Facts.

Yes, the annually updated World Almanac has been the bestselling reference book for millions of Americans since it was first published in 1868, and has played a supporting role in our nation’s history as well. During World War II, the US government commissioned a special print run of over 100,000 copies each year for distribution to our fighting men and women. In White House photographs, the Almanac can be seen close at hand on the desks of presidents Kennedy and Clinton.

You might want to hide that Almanac of yours for the time being, however. According to the Associated Press, the FBI has put out an alert to 18,000 police departments warning that terrorists might be using World Almanacs to assist them in their nefarious plans.


They urged police to be on the lookout for anyone carrying almanacs, especially if they seemed to be loitering or writing in them, for that "may point to possible terrorist planning."

Wow!

Now it’s true that the World Almanac and Book of Facts does have a lot of information. It lists the airports, rail lines, port facilities and truck cargo stations for the 100 largest US cities. It names the highest buildings, notable bridges, longest tunnels, biggest dams and reservoirs. It lists the Most Widely Known Americans of the Present.

Of course, it also lists the most commonly confused words in the English language. Who won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress. Who had the highest batting average in the National League.

But you can never be too careful. Who knows what evil plots these bastards could be hatching?

The Associated Press story goes on to quote publisher John Pierce of the Old Farmers’ Almanac as saying that his publication is of little use to terrorists, unlike the book put out by those traitors over at the World Almanac. Nevertheless, he vows that "while we doubt that our editorial content would be of particular interest to people who would wish to do us harm, we will certainly cooperate to the fullest with national authorities at any level they deem appropriate."

We’re still waiting for other publishers of reference guides to say whether they are on the side of America or of the terrorists. Will Zagats exhort us to be suspicious any under-nourished persons of a certain nationality checking out what eateries are most likely to be packed? Is Spa Finder watching out for those who would soil our favorite mudbaths? Are the Kelly Blue Book people making sure that no one uses their books to make sure that their potential car bomb isn’t a lemon? Is The Ultimate Hollywood Tour Book making sure that those people prowling Beverly Hills for glimpses of movie stars’ homes are only fantasizing about kidnapping their favorite sex god or goddess?

Perhaps the safest course is to not publish any reference books at all. Yes! Add the slogan to the Department of Homeland Security website: “Ignorance is the Best Prevention!”