Today I put my first entry in to win one billion dollars. Yes, you read that right. One billion dollars. The contest is sponsored by Pepsi, which gives you an idea of how much money these soft drink companies make. I hate the stuff myself, but my wife likes a Diet Pepsi now and then, so I can get the pieces necessary to enter.
(Yes, it's true, Pepsi: I don't like your beverage. I hate Coke too. Not only do I not like the soft drinks of you and your competitor, I hate the way you both have steamrollered your way into being global beverages, how you buy up local brands of soft drinks around the world, how you suck up the increasingly scarce water supply in so many poor countries, how you fill our children with sugar and caffeine, I hate your asinine lifestyle advertising that wants us to believe that drinking Pepsi will make our lives better. No, I don't like you. Nevertheless, according to the law, none of this should have any bearing on my eligibility for your sweepstakes, and if I win your billion I'll take it. And if I don't win it and somehow evidence leaks that you blackballed my entries because I publicly declared my loathing your shit-brown sugar water, I'll sue you for ten billion bucks.)
Oops! Did I write that? Oh my God, I didn't mean it! For a billion bucks, I'll do anything. I'll even drink a Pepsi live on international TV, giving a smiling, satisfied burp afterward. I'll bathe in it, I'll name my firstborn Pepsi, I'll swim 500 laps in a pool filled with it, I'll wear Pepsi-labeled clothes 24/7, I'll live on nothing but Pepsi for the rest of my days. Just please please please give me a chance. I really need that billion dollars to pay off my credit card debt.
Just kidding. You decide which of the above two paragraphs I'm just kidding about.
I'm sure you're dying to know how you can get your own shot at a billion dollars. Just go to www.BillionSweeps.com to find out. The billion is to be given away on live television in the fall...it is not yet clear as to what indignities the final contestants will have to subject themselves.
A billion dollars! When I was a kid, there was a TV game show called "The $10,000 Pyramid," and that was a big deal. Then the prizes went up to $100,000. Then came "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire," though even a million bucks wasn't rich enough for me to take being in the presence of Regis Philbin for even thirty seconds. And now someone is giving away a billion dollars. Talk about inflation.
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